Now that it's November I am starting to feel the crunch of the looming layoff date in December. It's wild to think that in August last year I was deluding myself into thinking that I'd try to leave my job and make an attempt at going into something more aligned with my career wants or needs (more like desperation). I knew I wouldn't try hard or at all because I'm opposed to changing my rigid routine when I'm comfortable. I hate my job though because I'm tired of being on my feet 8 hours a day with a larger portion of that being just standing around rather than actual movement. Which, by the way, standing still hurts way fucking more than constant steps.
But here it's November and I'm in the same job except now I'm facing a layoff. I know the union is here to work through things with us. I've also had so many job applications filled out and I've done so many interviews in the last few weeks. I have also had union meetings every Thursday evening which means my work day feels like it's from 5a-7p with only a few hour break in there.
So while I'm stressing less over losing a job, I've been more stressed over the job changing which means my routine changes entirely. When I need to wake up and go to sleep. My commute to and fro. Beating my partner home and getting some cleaning done, but if work gets out later then the commute is worse which means he'll always be home before me.
Then there's been all of the varying ways this new job role is going to play out. I ruminate so fucking much so I've been mentally and physically exhausted. I'm just happy my cuticles haven't all been ripped to shreds and that my pink toenails still have nails on them. I'm so prone to those stims when the stress and anxiety builds.
Fuck and this week starts my usual morning coworker being done as she's now in a new dept. I'm stuck with incompetence now. I wish that were me being melodramatic but this coworker really does struggle with this job so I usually have to do triple my multitasking so I can assist her while doing my tasks too. Fuck this. Get me the fuck out.
The worst aspects of my ADHD has been the sudden increase of issues with word recall, memory recall, and working memory. It should be no surprise that I constantly forget I have so many memory related is. When something occurs and I’m like “Oh shit I forgot,” just know that I quite literally forgot.
It’s not an ingrained response to procrastination or avoidance when someone wants to avoid responsibility. I take full responsibility on whatever happened because I didn’t remember. I didn’t go out of my way to ensure I’d be able to have access to said memory in some tangible or legible form.
Combined with my executive function I found it hard to find a coping mechanism to deal with it. But little by little I’ve been able to find various accommodations for myself. Right now I have been keeping a google calendar with recurring dates for work, credit card due dates, car payment due date, tv show dates (lol shh), and of course appointments. I combine that with a reminders for specific day parts. Early AM if I have to do it while opening at work. Afternoon right at 2p when I’m usually getting to my exit ramp. And 3p when I’m usually fully done with my get-home-from-work routine and that’s usually for paying bills.
With working on my project website, I’ve had lots of ideas flowing through with the content I want to create and how I want to organize it. However, I hadn’t been tracking anything so I keep rethinking of the same idea and then confusing myself because it’s just various iterations. It seems insane but I finally realized I do need to just write shit down. Normally I’d get sidetracked into finding a 3rd party app or program to get things settled in. I don’t wanna say how many times I try to setup Notion for stuff lol.
Anyway, I have been using the Notes app on macOS since I also have an iPhone so that ecosystem works and syncs just to my needs. I’ve made a bunch of folders in the notes for categories and I just toss in a new note for whatever crap I need to reference later. It’s still a bit chaotic but it’s actually been helpful for accessing stuff on the go. Or if I’m at work, I can just use my phone to add notes in. Simple enough for me.
It’s been weird admitting that I’m rebuilding habits and accommodations for myself so late in late. But that’s on having raw dogged most of my life, so now I don’t treat myself so poorly on it.
Today was a short day at work as I took a half-day. Originally I just wanted to veg out but ended up planning on going to Costco to get our protein for the week. Normally I struggle at any grocery store with wanting to look at everything to see what’s new. I also have no impulse control so I end up buying crap I didn’t need but it was ‘new’.
But since I take a little magic methylphenidate pill every morning, I managed to stay on track. I purchased only what I needed from my 2 grocery trips. When I got home I immediately tidied up the kitchen: Put away dishes; emptied out the fridge of leftovers; loaded those containers in the dishwasher. Once I was done with that I went ahead and tidied up around the living room, picked up Bucky’s stuff/blankets and ran a few loads of laundry.
The best part was that I started off not wanting to do anything when I got home. Figured I could just do some cleaning tomorrow morning or even on Sunday. Putting stuff off is my MO. Then I started to argue with myself (gotta love inner monologue) and gave myself an hour to do what I could and then I could enjoy the rest of the day. But nope, I wasn’t done.
I didn’t stop to scroll through a show to put on in the background. Didn’t scroll through Apple Music to find music to listen to. I didn’t even know where my phone was at this point. I just cleaned from 12:30-2:50pm. I didn’t even know it had been that long. My plants were in dire need of watering so I tended to my 50+ collection. Then vacuuming the floors were up next. But once I finished there I didn’t wanna do anything else so I’ll put off mopping.
It feels so embarrassing that I’m writing about doing basic chores and I’m 39 years old. But then I remember I have severe ADHD. I struggle with executive dysfunction, time blindness, inattentiveness… pretty much the trifecta of hell. That’s not even all of it! Being able to accomplish these tasks is a massive win for me. I spent all of my life thinking I was a worthless piece of shit. Hearing it from my parents my whole life contributed to that worthlessness.
“Do the dishes, it’ll only take you 10 minutes” is what I’d hear my mom spew at me. And yet in all those years of dishes taking me hours to do, she never bothered to understand what the fuck was wrong with me.
I just wish younger me was diagnosed so I could have received better support. Maybe if my parents weren’t so goddamn emotionally immature. Maybe if they paid some attention to me after I turned 9.
But that’s a different post for a different day.
For the last few days I have been on the struggle bus with awful tension headaches, extreme eye fatigue, and in the afternoon the worst symptom of all: facial flushing.
While I do have rosacea, I’ve never had anything other than redness before. So there’s a slight possibility of this being a new symptom of that. Or it could be that I’m 39 now and perimenopause is starting to kick in. While I know this is inevitable due to age, I’m certain it’s not the PM as a would be the cause.
It’s not as much of a hot flash as it is a gradual warmth that turns into an unbearable slight middle of skin ache that feels like a rubber band around a balloon at times. Then that will trigger a headache. It also lasts for hours and at no point am I sweating. It’s just so noticeable as I now struggle with staying warm in most temperatures.
I know I just need to see a doctor but my brain gets in the way. And it triggers my executive dysfunction real fucking bad. I think the least I should do is make an ophthalmologist appt and obgyn for HRT talk if that would help and be more preventative as I get older.
After spending the last week or so getting my server back in order and all of my websites updated, I started to click through old comments on one of my blogs. I was just curious to see what websites were still active and very few were. Somehow I ended up on a neocities.org hosted site.
Oh. My. God.
It was like being transported back to 2000 and I’m learning what a personal website is. Teenager me viewing source code to see what they did–which by the way, how the hell did I ever figure out how to do that pre-Google?! I spent no less than 30 minutes browsing all of the websites in the gallery when I realized this is what I miss. An honest to god personal website. Fuck a blog.
I don’t really care that much about blogging and having people reading posts to leave comments. I miss having a personal website that’s full of spunk and flair. I hate the how corporate the internet has turned. It’s so fucking horrible viewing a website without an adblocker (router level dns filtering ftw), everything looks like the same WordPress theme. Influencer hell.
Despite just getting this domain setup again, I’m going to just keep this as my self-hosted version of LiveJournal and nothing else here. But you bet your ass I made an account on neocities.org and I’m going to spend hours upon hours making a website that would impress my 12 year old heart.
Surprise, surprise but I’ve managed to dive headfirst back into the server-side world of the internet. I forgot how much I loved working with websites. I’ve been migrating my content from my old Droplet to my new one so I can cancel my serverpilot subscription. In the 7 years of utilizing them, they’ve not done anything to upgrade what they offer. Yet I managed to find cloudpanel that does exactly what serverpilot does but has 500% more to offer… for free?!
It’s been so much fun seeing websites come back alive. It’s been at least 10 years since I even cared about having a personal website and a little longer since I actively maintained one. But the last week I have spent more time on the computer than I have in years. I’m so disconnected from tech now, it’s still a bit jarring to say. Anyway, I spent probably 16hrs on Saturday and Sunday working on stuff. It was so reinvigorating!! I missed that feeling.
I’ve been out of the webdev game for way too long. I’ve probably not used SSH in 8 years? I had to google commands lmao. I also forgot how to exit Vim so in case I ever forget, it’s :q! ok? Anyway, I feel back in pretty much with everything. The entire weekend was spent with me glued to my macbook tinkering away with a new droplet and installing/testing all the things.
It’s funny and heartwarming to see that this shit still gives me excitement. Being able to do all of this while on my ADHD meds is evcn better.
Markdown is intended to be as easy-to-read and easy-to-write as is feasible.
Readability, however, is emphasized above all else. A Markdown-formatted document should be publishable as-is, as plain text, without looking like it's been marked up with tags or formatting instructions. While Markdown's syntax has been influenced by several existing text-to-HTML filters -- including Setext, atx, Textile, reStructuredText, Grutatext, and EtText -- the single biggest source of inspiration for Markdown's syntax is the format of plain text email.
A paragraph is simply one or more consecutive lines of text, separated by one or more blank lines. (A blank line is any line that looks like a blank line -- a line containing nothing but spaces or tabs is considered blank.) Normal paragraphs should not be indented with spaces or tabs.
The implication of the "one or more consecutive lines of text" rule is
that Markdown supports "hard-wrapped" text paragraphs. This differs
significantly from most other text-to-HTML formatters (including Movable
Type's "Convert Line Breaks" option) which translate every line break
character in a paragraph into a <br /> tag.
When you do want to insert a <br /> break tag using Markdown, you
end a line with two or more spaces, then type return.
Markdown supports two styles of headers, [Setext] [1] and [atx] [2].
Optionally, you may "close" atx-style headers. This is purely cosmetic -- you can use this if you think it looks better. The closing hashes don't even need to match the number of hashes used to open the header. (The number of opening hashes determines the header level.)
Markdown uses email-style > characters for blockquoting. If you're
familiar with quoting passages of text in an email message, then you
know how to create a blockquote in Markdown. It looks best if you hard
wrap the text and put a > before every line:
This is a blockquote with two paragraphs. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aliquam hendrerit mi posuere lectus. Vestibulum enim wisi, viverra nec, fringilla in, laoreet vitae, risus.
Donec sit amet nisl. Aliquam semper ipsum sit amet velit. Suspendisse id sem consectetuer libero luctus adipiscing.
Markdown allows you to be lazy and only put the > before the first
line of a hard-wrapped paragraph:
This is a blockquote with two paragraphs. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aliquam hendrerit mi posuere lectus. Vestibulum enim wisi, viverra nec, fringilla in, laoreet vitae, risus.
Donec sit amet nisl. Aliquam semper ipsum sit amet velit. Suspendisse id sem consectetuer libero luctus adipiscing.
Blockquotes can be nested (i.e. a blockquote-in-a-blockquote) by
adding additional levels of >:
This is the first level of quoting.
This is nested blockquote.
Back to the first level.
Blockquotes can contain other Markdown elements, including headers, lists, and code blocks:
This is a header.
- This is the first list item.
- This is the second list item.
Here's some example code:
return shell_exec("echo $input | $markdown_script");
Any decent text editor should make email-style quoting easy. For example, with BBEdit, you can make a selection and choose Increase Quote Level from the Text menu.
Markdown supports ordered (numbered) and unordered (bulleted) lists.
Unordered lists use asterisks, pluses, and hyphens -- interchangably -- as list markers:
is equivalent to:
and:
Ordered lists use numbers followed by periods:
It's important to note that the actual numbers you use to mark the list have no effect on the HTML output Markdown produces. The HTML Markdown produces from the above list is:
If you instead wrote the list in Markdown like this:
or even:
you'd get the exact same HTML output. The point is, if you want to, you can use ordinal numbers in your ordered Markdown lists, so that the numbers in your source match the numbers in your published HTML. But if you want to be lazy, you don't have to.
To make lists look nice, you can wrap items with hanging indents:
But if you want to be lazy, you don't have to:
List items may consist of multiple paragraphs. Each subsequent paragraph in a list item must be indented by either 4 spaces or one tab:
This is a list item with two paragraphs. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aliquam hendrerit mi posuere lectus.
Vestibulum enim wisi, viverra nec, fringilla in, laoreet vitae, risus. Donec sit amet nisl. Aliquam semper ipsum sit amet velit.
Suspendisse id sem consectetuer libero luctus adipiscing.
It looks nice if you indent every line of the subsequent paragraphs, but here again, Markdown will allow you to be lazy:
This is a list item with two paragraphs.
This is the second paragraph in the list item. You're
only required to indent the first line. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit.
Another item in the same list.
To put a blockquote within a list item, the blockquote's >
delimiters need to be indented:
A list item with a blockquote:
This is a blockquote inside a list item.
To put a code block within a list item, the code block needs to be indented twice -- 8 spaces or two tabs:
<code goes here></code>Pre-formatted code blocks are used for writing about programming or
markup source code. Rather than forming normal paragraphs, the lines
of a code block are interpreted literally. Markdown wraps a code block
in both <pre> and <code> tags.
To produce a code block in Markdown, simply indent every line of the block by at least 4 spaces or 1 tab.
This is a normal paragraph:
This is a code block.Here is an example of Javascript
function helloWorld() {
console.log("Hello World");
}A code block continues until it reaches a line that is not indented (or the end of the article).
Regular Markdown syntax is not processed within code blocks. E.g., asterisks are just literal asterisks within a code block. This means it's also easy to use Markdown to write about Markdown's own syntax.
tell application "Foo"
beep
end tellMarkdown supports two style of links: inline and reference.
In both styles, the link text is delimited by [square brackets].
To create an inline link, use a set of regular parentheses immediately after the link text's closing square bracket. Inside the parentheses, put the URL where you want the link to point, along with an optional title for the link, surrounded in quotes. For example:
This is an example inline link.
This link has no title attribute.
Markdown treats asterisks (*) and underscores (_) as indicators of
emphasis. Text wrapped with one * or _ will be wrapped with an
HTML <em> tag; double *'s or _'s will be wrapped with an HTML
<strong> tag. E.g., this input:
single asterisks
single underscores
double asterisks
double underscores
To indicate a span of code, wrap it with backtick quotes (`).
Unlike a pre-formatted code block, a code span indicates code within a
normal paragraph. For example:
Use the printf() function.
I was a teenager when I created my first website and now I am in my late 30s. I've spent decades on the internet and have shared my life on personal sites, journaling services, and eventually social media. I created furuba.org because I missed having a journal and personal site.
Yes, my journal is going to be public facing but I have no intention of linking this anywhere. There will be no personal indentifying information posted here so that's mainly why I don't care. No one needs to know my name, my locations, or any specific details. This is just a place for me to get out the thoughts I ruminate on.